This is not an emergency service. In case of emergency call 112 or contact SAMARITANS

Understanding Anger and Finding Balance

Explore the complex emotion of anger and its impact on our lives. Learn about the causes, underlying reasons, and how…


We’ve all felt it – that rush of heat, the clenched fists, the tightness in our chest. Anger is a powerful emotion, one that can feel overwhelming and even frightening at times. But it’s also a natural part of the human experience, a reaction to perceived threats or injustices. While anger can serve as a protective mechanism, alerting us to situations that require our attention or action, it can also become problematic when not understood or managed effectively.

Anger, at its core, is an emotional response to something that upsets us. It might be a result of feeling hurt, frustrated, or misunderstood. Sometimes, it’s a reaction to repeated patterns of injustice or unfairness. Other times, it can be a sudden flare-up in response to a specific event or trigger. But regardless of its origin, anger carries with it a message, a signal that something in our environment or within us needs addressing.

However, it’s essential to differentiate between feeling angry and acting on that anger. The emotion itself is neutral; it’s neither good nor bad. It’s what we choose to do with that emotion that can lead to positive change or potentially harmful situations. For instance, anger can motivate us to stand up against injustices, advocate for ourselves or others, or even fuel our passions and creativity. On the flip side, unmanaged anger can lead to conflicts, strained relationships, and even physical altercations.

So, what causes these intense feelings? Our past experiences play a significant role. If we’ve grown up in environments where anger was frequently displayed or even encouraged, we might be more prone to express our frustrations in similar ways. Conversely, if we were taught that anger was an unacceptable emotion, we might struggle to express or even acknowledge it, leading to internalised feelings and potential outbursts later on.

Our physiological makeup also plays a part. Some of us naturally have a shorter fuse, getting irritated more quickly than others. This can be due to genetic factors, hormonal imbalances, or even certain medical conditions. It’s also worth noting that other emotions, like sadness, fear, or shame, can sometimes manifest as anger, especially if we find those emotions challenging to express or confront.

In today’s fast-paced world, external factors can also contribute to heightened feelings of anger. Daily stresses, from work pressures to personal relationships, can accumulate, leading to a reduced threshold for irritation. Social media, with its constant barrage of information and potential for misunderstandings, can also be a significant trigger for many.

But here’s the thing: while anger is natural, it’s crucial to recognise when it’s becoming a recurring issue, affecting our well-being and relationships. If we find ourselves frequently snapping at loved ones, feeling constant irritation, or even experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia, it might be time to delve deeper into our relationship with anger.

Understanding our anger is the first step towards managing it. It’s like unravelling a tangled thread; the more we pull at it, the clearer the picture becomes. When we start to dissect our anger, we often find underlying issues or unresolved emotions. Perhaps it’s a past trauma, a sense of inadequacy, or feelings of being undervalued. These hidden emotions can amplify our reactions, making a small trigger lead to disproportionate anger.

One common misconception is that suppressing anger is the solution. We might believe that by pushing it down, we’re being mature or avoiding conflict. However, suppressed anger doesn’t disappear; it simmers beneath the surface, often manifesting in other ways. It might lead to passive-aggressive behaviour, anxiety, or even physical ailments. On the other hand, letting anger explode uncontrollably can damage relationships and our own mental well-being.

So, how do we find the balance?

1. Self-awareness: Recognising the early signs of anger is crucial. By identifying these triggers, we can take proactive steps to manage our reactions. This might mean taking a few deep breaths, counting to ten, or even stepping away from a situation temporarily.

2. Communication: Expressing our feelings calmly and assertively, without resorting to aggression, can be transformative. It’s about stating our feelings and needs without blaming or criticising others. This approach not only helps in resolving conflicts but also fosters understanding and empathy.

3. Problem-solving: Sometimes, anger arises from specific issues or challenges. Instead of focusing on what made us angry, we can shift our attention to finding a solution. This proactive approach can reduce feelings of helplessness and frustration.

4. Relaxation techniques: Deep breathing, meditation, and visualisation can help calm the mind and body. These techniques can be particularly useful in situations where we can’t immediately address the source of our anger.

5. Physical activity: Physical exertion can be a great way to release pent-up tension and anger. Whether it’s a brisk walk, a run, or even dancing, moving our body can help dissipate the intense energy that anger brings.

6. Seek perspective: Sometimes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture can help. Asking ourselves if the issue will matter in a week, a month, or a year can provide clarity. It’s also beneficial to consider the other person’s viewpoint, which can lead to understanding and compassion.

In my journey as a therapist, I’ve seen the transformative power of understanding and managing anger. It’s not about eradicating the emotion but learning to navigate it, ensuring it doesn’t control us. Remember, it’s okay to seek help if you feel overwhelmed. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or even self-help books, there are resources available to guide you on this journey.

Unmanaged anger doesn’t just affect us; it has a ripple effect, impacting those around us. Relationships can become strained, trust eroded, and connections broken. Children, especially, are sensitive to the emotional climate around them. They can pick up on tension, even if it’s not directed at them, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Moreover, chronic anger can have physical repercussions. It can lead to headaches, digestive problems, insomnia, increased anxiety, and even high blood pressure or heart disease. The constant state of heightened alertness and stress can wear down the body over time.

One of the most profound steps in managing anger is the journey towards acceptance and forgiveness. It’s not about condoning hurtful actions or forgetting, but rather releasing the hold they have on us. Holding onto grudges or resentment is like carrying a heavy weight. Over time, it becomes exhausting.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It allows us to find peace, move forward, and open ourselves up to healing and growth. It’s a journey, and it’s okay if it takes time. Some find solace in journaling, meditating, or even seeking spiritual guidance.

There’s no shame in seeking help when it comes to managing anger. Sometimes, we need an external perspective, a guiding hand to help us navigate our emotions. Therapy offers a safe space to explore the root causes of our anger, develop coping strategies, and work towards a more balanced emotional state.

In therapy, we can delve deeper into understanding our triggers, patterns, and reactions. It’s a collaborative journey, where the therapist and client work together, setting goals and charting progress. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), in particular, has been found effective in helping individuals recognise and change negative thought patterns and behaviours associated with anger.

Anger is a natural emotion, a part of the human experience. However, it’s how we choose to respond to and manage this emotion that defines our relationships, well-being, and overall quality of life. With understanding, self-awareness, and the right tools, we can transform anger from a destructive force into a catalyst for positive change.

Further Resources:

  1. The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner – A book that delves into the role of anger in women’s lives, offering insights and strategies for expressing anger constructively.
  2. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames” by Thich Nhat Hanh – A spiritual take on managing anger, blending mindfulness and compassion.
  3. Mind UK – A charity offering advice and support for those dealing with mental health issues, including anger.
  4. NHS Moodzone – Practical tips and resources for managing various emotions, including anger.

Navigating the complexities of anger can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. I offer tailored anger management classes and therapy sessions, providing a safe space to explore and understand your emotions. Together, we can work on strategies and tools that empower you to manage and channel your anger in constructive ways. Your journey towards a calmer, more balanced self can begin with just a conversation.

Tom Konieczny

Tom is a qualified integrative psychotherapist based in the UK. With a background in psychology and a passion for holistic healing, he offers a compassionate and individualised approach to therapy. Drawing from his diverse life experiences, Tom provides insights and support tailored to each client's unique journey towards well-being

Related Articles

Delve deeper into topics of self-exploration, therapeutic insights, and personal growth with these related articles. Each piece is crafted to provide valuable perspectives and actionable advice, assisting you on your journey towards holistic well-being. Explore, learn, and discover more pathways to a balanced and fulfilling life.